Oh… it might be a pretty frustrating day for King W.
The only other person with a redphone to God is coming to town (no word yet on whether God often calls at 3am). This will be a meeting of two very powerful men. One popular, and one… not so much. But it seems like Ol’ W might be pretty confused by his meeting with Pope Benedict XVI. These two men’s vastly different levels of popularity can’t be explained by the issues. When you go down the list, they think the same thing about, well, most everything. Abortion? Check. Abstinence? Check. Gay marriage? Oh yea. Stem cells? Take a guess.
And even on the issues where they have a disagreement, Bush likely won’t acknowledge the difference. The Pope will call for a compassionate foreign policy that reduces war and promotes peace. No doubt that Bush will think that he’s doing his best on that issue, reality notwithstanding.
So, how will Bush get past the fact that Mr. Popular stands for the same positions he does? Wacky guesses after the jump!
Well, my guess is that he won’t be able to get past the problem, but he might assimilate some of the Pope’s finer qualities to try to up his popularity before his legacy is solidified as the least popular president… ever. (Just a moment on that… Hoover had the beginning of the Great Depression, veterans were marching on the White House demanding money, and he had no real economic policy… and he was more popular than Bush. Think about that.)
So, here are a few suggestions for W to improve his approval ratings, Pope-style:
Randomly Change Languages: I’ve never personally had the good fortune to see this Pope speak, and for reasonable reasons, not the least of which is that you can’t just “go see the Pope” and I’m not Catholic. However, I have read that this learned man has a somewhat annoying habit of changing languages mid-speech. He speaks ten languages, including German, Italian, Latin, and English.
But, do you see what I see? Pure, sweet, golden opportunity for our grammatically challenged president. If W just changed languages in mid-speech, several things would happen. First, we might not notice. Second, if we did, we’d have a hell of a time catching made-up words in Italian. (I wonder if there’s an Italian word for strategery? I bet there is, and I bet it includes North Africa… but that’s another discussion.) And third, since no one really cares about what Lame Duck W says at this point anyway, why not start speaking in tongues? It would be a great start towards….
Convince People that Liking You is a Religions Imperative: This is the Pope’s big advantage, right? Even if you were Catholic and you didn’t like him, you pretty much have grin and bear it.
You still have to tell people that you like him, even if he does resemble Emperor Palpatine. You want to go to heaven? You probably can’t have beef with Big Popey.
Now, this will be a lot harder than speaking in tongues for W, but he’s got to find a way. Surely he could bring Karl Rove back from doing insanely uncomfortable interviews with college students and get him to convince some Republicans that he’s a spiritual leader. Surely his mid-20s approval rating could be spun into some sort of Job-style trial. The whole “gate keeper to heaven” thing might be harder to pull off, but I have little doubt in their abilities.
Finally, and, by far, most importantly…
Funny Hats:
I know this is the least creative thing I could possibly put on this list. I struggled with that… and then I thought about W in a Pope hat. Just think of it. And to make matters better, this pope has a special affinity for funny hats, as evidenced by these spectacular pictures. Unfortunately, the pictures also don’t require any further analysis. Imagine Bush wearing hats like this all the time and you are imagining a popular president. There’s just no two ways about it.
The AMT
Juice