Culturegeist on Shaq and Kobe: We Freestyle When Called Upon

I am a graduate of Lousiana State University. I lived in Orlando in the early 90’s. My favorite athletes are the ones who say too much and who provide post game comments that don’t sound like they were written by their PR person.

So yes… Shaquille O’Neal is, quite simply, my favorite athlete on earth. I love the Big Aristotle, the Big Cactus, the Diesel, Wilt Chamberneezy. I loved when he was dominant on the court and I love what he says off the court… you know, like this stuff (after the jump!):

So when he went after Kobe in a freestyle rap this week, I loved every moment of it.

As a good friend of mine once said, “I’m most serious when I’m kidding” and that couldn’t apply more to this situation. Sure, Kobe and Shaq are on better terms than when they had to share a locker room. And sure, Shaq is exactly the kind of person who would hit Kobe with some good-hearted ribbing for losing in the Finals. All that is fine. Even the “tell me how my ass tastes” stuff is low key for that sort of freestyle battle whatnot. Here’s an example from Apathy:

But there are two parts of this situation worth discussing in detail. The first is what Shaq says in the freestyle about his divorce. That… is not a joke. Kobe brought Shaq’s name into his legal problems in Colorado for no reason at all and, according to the aforementioned Big Cactus, that led directly to his divorce. Just to remind you, according to The Big Lead quoting the New York Daily News, “Bryant stated he should have done what Shaq does. Bryant stated that Shaq would pay his women not to say anything. He stated Shaq has paid up to a million dollars already for situations like this.”

That’s not something that anyone just forgets about… Kobe effectively caused his divorce. And yes, if the claims are true, Shaq is ultimately at fault for sleeping around, but what kind of guy sells out his teammate like that? And to the cops? And for no reason at all? It’s not as if this revelation about Shaq was going to clear Kobe’s name in Colorado. The rest of what Shaq said might have been in jest, but not this part. Shaq was most serious when he was kidding.

Shaq put out this press release about the whole situation:

“I was freestyling. That’s all. It was all done in fun. Nothing serious whatsoever,” O’Neal told ESPN.com Monday. “That is what MC’s do. They freestyle when called upon. I’m totally cool with Kobe. No issue at all.”

Sure, whatever… not about the divorce part… but I believe him about the rest of it.

However, what should not be overlooked is the overwhelming genius in that quote. Shaq “freestyles when called upon.” I want the readers of Culturegeist to know that I am going to do everything in my limited power to get ‘freestyling when called upon’ into the lexicon. It’s genius, and nothing less. It implies that Shaq (or any MC) has no control over his own actions. He must freestyle when called upon. It’s like being the vice-president or serving in the cabinet… you serve when called upon (or, in this case, freestyle.)

It’s also an all purpose response.

“Great work on the blog, Juice!”… “Thanks, I freestyle when called upon.”

“The AMT, how did you manage to post six times today?”… “Well, I freestyle when called upon.”

“Hey Juice, how’d you manage to rob that bank?”… “I freestyle when called upon.”

It’s meme or bust for this quote and I’m leading the charge… or you might say that I’ve just been called upon.